(英語脫口秀)(26)每次有人被鯊魚攻擊，我會開一個“鯊魚派對”

Now I’m sure everyone here has told a joke before where nobody laughed at it. It’s fine. It’s embarrassing, but it’s fun. You can laugh at yourself. It’s not a reason to stop telling jokes. Maybe some of you have told a joke before where someone got mad at you for it. Trust me, that’s fun too. You guys ever tell a joke and then get death threats? Well, I guess that’s what makes me me. On my television show, I once did a segment that aired once and only once, before it was banned, called “Shark Party.” All right? Now… Some of you enjoyed it, but if you’ve never seen “Shark Party,” you can never see “Shark Party.” It’s been wiped off the face of the earth by the powers that be, so I will explain it to you. I love sharks. I love sharks more than anything. People… People I can barely fucking tolerate. Every single year, 100 million sharks are killed by human beings. Every year, 20, 25 people killed by sharks? So when I hear about a shark attack, I’m like, “Fuck, yeah.” Win one for the home team. So as soon as I get this show where I can do what I want, I say, “You know what? I want to have a shark party. As soon as there’s a shark attack, we’re having a shark party.” And I get lucky. About a month into my run, this guy from New Zealand gets eaten by a great white, the champagne of sharks. And I know exactly what to do. I’ve already got the script written. I walk on stage, in front of the cameras. I say, “Ladies and gentlemen, this guy from New Zealand has been eaten by a great white shark. It’s time for a shark party.” Lights go down, music comes up. Six women wearing shark dresses come out on either side of me, and we all start dancing. For way too long. A stripper wearing a giant shark head runs out and gives me a lap dance. Very tasteful. And then I stand up and we show a giant picture of the guy who got eaten. Which, in retrospect, is where it all went wrong. But I get to say my favorite thing I’ve ever said on television: “Smile, you son of a bitch. Shark party.” And in America, where I’m famous for those types of shenanigans… everybody was like, “Anthony, that was fucked up.” “It was fucked up to see you dance.” End of controversy. However, in New Zealand, where they don’t get my show, they’ve never seen me, and frankly, they don’t get out much… the New Zealand media takes the video… and they show it to the guy’s family. And they say, “What do you guys think about this?” And they say, “Crikey,” or whatever the fuck they say over there. The point is, all of New Zealand, all of New Zealand rises up against me. All 45 of those cunts rise up. And start threatening my life. Now, I don’t read the things that people write about me on the Internet. But I pay people who do. And they come to me, and they’re like, “We’ve got some terrible news. Please sit down.” They say, “You are getting a lot of death threats online from New Zealand because of ‘Shark Party.'” And I was like, “Really? New Zealand wants to kill me? That’s weird because they didn’t even kill the shark.” I said, “How many death threats am I getting?” And they were like “Oh, all of them. You are getting all of the death threats. What do you want us to do? We can send someone to talk to them. Extra security? What do you want?” I said, “No, forget about it. Leave it alone, don’t worry.”