聲音簡(jiǎn)介
How to Get Over Yourself
有一句來歷不明的諺語:如果你想走得快，一個(gè)人走。 There’s a saying of unknown origin: If you want to go fast, go alone. 要想走得遠(yuǎn)，就一起走。 If you want to go far, go together. 我從不介意一個(gè)人去。 I have never minded going alone.
我和妻子都有詩人達(dá)納·焦亞所說的“獨(dú)處的能力”。 Both my wife and I have what the poet Dana Gioia calls “a capacity for solitude.”
在當(dāng)今這個(gè)充斥著引人注目的應(yīng)用程序和屏幕的世界里，這是一種值得培養(yǎng)的能力。 And it’s a capacity worth cultivating in today’s world of attention-grabbing apps and screens.
但在長途旅行中，我和妻子都更喜歡彼此作伴。 But for longer journeys, my wife and I both prefer each other’s company. 這一原則遠(yuǎn)遠(yuǎn)超出了婚姻的范疇——我們作為工人、志愿者、快樂的游戲玩家所做的很多事情，都是與他人一起做的。 The principle extends well beyond marriage—so much of what we do as workers, as volunteers, as joyful players of the games that delight us, we do with others.
合作不被重視。Cooperation is underappreciated.
宗教和冥想在最好的情況下不僅讓我們接觸到我們自己，還能接觸到比我們自己更大的東西; Religion and meditation at their best put us in touch with not just ourselves but what is larger than ourselves;
它們讓我們體驗(yàn)到超凡脫俗和歸屬感。 they let us experience the transcendent as well as a feeling of belonging.
在最糟糕的情況下，這些做法可能會(huì)演變成一種自我陶醉和自戀，一種內(nèi)斂和自我中心的形式。 At their worst, these practices can devolve into a form of self-absorption and narcissism, a form of navel-gazing and self-centeredness.
我說的是不同的東西。 I’m talking about something different here.
我說的是要意識(shí)到我們所說的和所想的往往是潛意識(shí)的?！颈灸堋? I’m talking about being aware that what we say and think is often subconscious.
我們的按鈕被當(dāng)天早些時(shí)候發(fā)生的事情或與他人的習(xí)慣性互動(dòng)形式所觸動(dòng)，這成為了一種難以擺脫的常規(guī)。 Our buttons get pushed by what happened earlier in the day or by a habitual form of interaction with others that becomes a rut that is hard to escape.
例如，在婚姻中，一方可能會(huì)對(duì)另一方所說的話做出發(fā)自內(nèi)心的反應(yīng)，這種反應(yīng)經(jīng)過時(shí)間的磨練已經(jīng)完全成為潛意識(shí)。 In a marriage, for example, one partner might react viscerally to something said by the other, a reaction that has been honed over time to be totally subconscious.
在最好的情況下，冥想、治療或宗教所能做的就是讓你在做出反應(yīng)之前暫停一下。【拿到 主動(dòng)權(quán)】 At its best, what meditation or therapy or religion can do is to allow a pause before the response.
停頓可以幫助你意識(shí)到，語言并不總是能捕捉到真正發(fā)生的事情。 That pause can help you realize that what is really going on is not always captured by the words.
暫?？梢蕴嵝涯梢蕴瞿_本，否則您可能會(huì)陷入其中。【我不按照本能的“腳本”演繹】 The pause can remind you that you can step out of the script that you might otherwise be stuck in.
停頓可以提醒你，你的自然反應(yīng)是由你自己的恐懼、欲望和需求調(diào)節(jié)的。 The pause can remin d you that your natural response is mediated by your own fears, desires, and needs.
停頓可以提醒你，你可以跳出你的習(xí)慣性反應(yīng)，更體貼或周到。 The pause can remind you that you can step out of your habitual response and be more considerate or thoughtful.
通過練習(xí)，你可以改變你的習(xí)慣性反應(yīng)，使之變得更好。 With practice, you can change your habitual response to a better one.
培養(yǎng)這種自我意識(shí)的挑戰(zhàn)之一是，它似乎不是自然而然的。 One of the challenges of cultivating this kind of self-awareness is that it doesn’t seem to come naturally.
狹隘的功利主義生活方式使自我意識(shí)變得更加困難。 And the narrow utilitarian approach to life makes self-awareness harder.
如果我總是問，這對(duì)我有什么好處? If I’m always asking, What’s in it for me?-
我能享受到的好處會(huì)大于成本嗎? —What benefit will I enjoy, and is it greater than the cost?
-很難注意到我是如何與他人互動(dòng)的，我的行為方式可能沒有考慮到他們可能需要我做什么。 —it’s harder to notice how I interact with others and how the way I’m behaving may not be considerate of what they might need from me.
我們?nèi)绾尾拍軘[脫我們一遍又一遍地重復(fù)的腳本，就像自動(dòng)駕駛一樣，這些腳本扼殺或毒害了我們的關(guān)系? How can we break free of the scripts we repeat over and over as if on autopilot, the scripts that deaden or poison our relationships?
我們?cè)撊绾沃貙懳覀兊膫€(gè)人敘述，我們所謂的人生故事，以一種能幫助我們克服自我的方式? How might we rewrite our personal narrative, what we might call the story of our life, in a way that can help us get over ourselves?
我們習(xí)慣了對(duì)自己的描述——受害者、英雄、超級(jí)明星、失敗者，以及介于兩者之間的一切。 We get used to the narratives we have of ourselves—victim, hero, superstar, loser, and everything in between.
不可避免地，我們把自己視為自己真人秀的主角。 Inevitably, we see ourselves as the main character of our own reality show. 作為主角，你要面對(duì)生活中的重大決定——住在哪里，做什么工作，和誰結(jié)婚，等等——這些都是你生活中的瘋狂問題。 As the main character, you face those big life decisions—where to live, what job to take, who to marry, and so on—the wild problems of your life.
在這個(gè)過程中，就像在任何好的戲劇中一樣，生活以各種典型和意想不到的方式介入，情節(jié)的轉(zhuǎn)折使故事變得有趣。 Along the way, as in any good drama, life intervenes in all kinds of typical and unexpected ways, the plot twists that make a story interesting.
你生病了; You get sick;
你期待的工作機(jī)會(huì)沒有到來; a job offer you’re expecting doesn’t come through;
一次浪漫的機(jī)會(huì)以拒絕告終。 a romantic opportunity ends in rejection.
或者你得到了意想不到的榮譽(yù); Or you receive an unexpected honor;
朋友創(chuàng)業(yè)，給你意想不到的待遇; a friend starts a business and makes you an offer you never expected;
那次和朋友的旅行變成了愛情。 that trip with a friend turns into love.
在這一切中，你有堅(jiān)持也有放棄，有微笑也有哭泣，有跳舞也有旁觀，有計(jì)劃也有陰謀，有希望也有夢(mèng)想。 Through all of this, you persevere and give up, smile and cry, dance and sit on the sidelines, plan and plot, hope and dream.
你幻想著過去的成功和未來的成功。 You daydream about the successes of the past and the ones you can imagine in the future.
你會(huì)慶幸自己的情節(jié)轉(zhuǎn)折很好，你經(jīng)常(但不總是)記得更黑暗的情節(jié)，甚至一整季不太愉快的情節(jié)，盡管你盡了最大的努力，事情還是不太順利。 You congratulate yourself on the plot twists that turned out well, and often, but not always, you remember darker episodes or even a whole season of not-so-cheerful episodes, where things hadn’t gone so well despite your best efforts.
過去是一個(gè)不斷增加的故事檔案——你帶到未來的記憶——而未來擁有你希望創(chuàng)造的所有故事。 The past is an ever-increasing archive of stories—the memories you take with you into the future—and the future holds all the stories you hope to craft.
因?yàn)槲覀儽灸艿馗嗟乜紤]自己而不是別人，所以我們有一場(chǎng)名為“我的生活故事”的內(nèi)在戲劇，在我們內(nèi)心的視頻屏幕上全天候地播放。 Because we’re hardwired to think about ourselves more than we think about others, we have this internal drama called “the story of my life” going 24/7 on our inner video screens.
所以，把自己想象成人生大戲的主角，周圍的人都是配角，這很正常。 So it’s normal to think of yourself as the main character of the drama that is your life and everyone else around you as the supporting cast.
這種敘事充斥著我們的頭腦，反過來又影響著我們?nèi)绾误w驗(yàn)日常生活。 This narrative fills our headspace and in turn affects how we experience our day-to-day lives.
它是我們理解發(fā)生在我們身上的事情以及我們希望未來會(huì)發(fā)生什么的方式。 It is the way we make sense of what happens to us and what we hope will happen in the future.
這些敘述不可避免地不完整。 These narratives are inevitably incomplete.
作為編劇，我們傾向于以一種不一定準(zhǔn)確的方式，以一種專注于我們自己的方式來塑造我們的內(nèi)心故事。 As the scriptwriters, we tend to fashion our inner narratives in ways that focus on ourselves, and in ways that are not necessarily accurate.
亞當(dāng)·斯密意識(shí)到，我們?nèi)绾慰创约翰⒉豢偸欠衔覀兊恼鎸?shí)情況。 Adam Smith was aware that how we see ourselves doesn’t always correspond to how we really are.
人們說，他是一位大膽的外科醫(yī)生，在給自己動(dòng)手術(shù)時(shí)，他的手不會(huì)顫抖; He is a bold surgeon, they say, whose hand does not tremble when he performs an operation upon his own person; 同樣大膽的是，他會(huì)毫不猶豫地揭下自我欺騙的神秘面紗，從他的觀點(diǎn)來看，這層面紗掩蓋了他自己行為的缺陷。 and he is often equally bold who does not hesitate to pull off the mysterious veil of self-delusion, which covers from his view the deformities of his own conduct.
作為自己故事的作者，我們常常很難看到主人公的真相。 As the authors of our own narratives, we often struggle to see the truth about the main character.
“自我欺騙的神秘面紗”很難揭開。 The “mysterious veil of self-delusion” is hard to lift.
在過去，人們大概認(rèn)為自己是自己小說的作者。 In the old days people presumably saw themselves as the authors of their own novels.
我們現(xiàn)代人更喜歡電影。 We moderns are more cinematic.
所以從我的角度來看，我的人生故事就像《楚門的世界》，我扮演楚門這個(gè)角色。 So from my perspective, my life story is something like The Truman Show with me in the role of Truman.
觀眾少得多。 With a lot fewer viewers.
嗯，實(shí)際上，只有一個(gè)觀眾。 Well, actually, just one viewer. 我。
Me. 我是主角，
我?guī)缀跏俏ㄒ灰粋€(gè)這樣看待故事的人，但大多數(shù)時(shí)候我從來沒有注意到。 I’m the main character and I’m pretty much the only one who sees the story that way, but most of the time I never notice.
我忙著考慮劇本和之前的劇集，以及如果續(xù)訂的話還會(huì)出現(xiàn)的劇集。 I’m too busy thinking about the script and the episodes that have come before and those that are still to come if the series gets renewed.
有一種不同的方式來思考我們的生活。 There’s a different way to think about our lives.
不是講故事的部分，這和以自我為中心的部分是密不可分的，而是主角的部分。 Not the storytelling part, which is pretty much hard-wired alongside the self-centered part, but the main character part.
不可避免地，如果你把自己視為自己真人秀的主角，而把周圍的人視為配角，你就會(huì)錯(cuò)過生活的很大一部分，錯(cuò)過了你經(jīng)歷生活時(shí)可以成為的人。 Inevitably, if you see yourself as the main character of your own reality show and people around you as part of the supporting cast, you miss a big part of life and who you can be as you experience it.
我們把自己視為主角的自然沖動(dòng)，不可避免地給我們周圍的人分配了不那么重要的角色。 Our natural impulse to see ourselves as the main character inevitably assigns less important roles to those around us.
想象一下中學(xué)演出的《窈窕淑女》。 Imagine a middle-school production of My Fair Lady.
這部音樂劇的導(dǎo)演是本尼迪克特·康伯巴奇的高中同學(xué)，不知怎的，他說服了他扮演伊麗莎·杜利特爾的父親，清潔工阿爾弗雷德。 The director of the musical went to high school with Benedict Cumberbatch and somehow convinces him to play Eliza Doolittle’s father, Alfred, the dustman.
阿爾弗雷德不是音樂劇的主角。 Alfred isn’t the star of the musical.
但他確實(shí)有兩首很棒的歌——“With a Little Bit of Luck”和“get Me to the Church on Time”——還有一些精彩的對(duì)話。 But he does get two great songs—”With a Little Bit of Luck” and “Get Me to the Church on Time”—and some wonderful dialogue.
讓本尼迪克特·康伯巴奇扮演這個(gè)角色，和一群中學(xué)生一起，對(duì)大多數(shù)學(xué)生來說，這將是難忘的。 Put Benedict Cumberbatch in that role with a bunch of middle-school students and it would be unforgettable for most of the students.
而本尼迪克特也會(huì)從中得到一些精彩的故事來寫他自己的劇本:“讓我告訴你我曾經(jīng)幫過一個(gè)哈羅大學(xué)的老朋友這個(gè)忙……”你會(huì)如何描述本尼迪克特·康伯巴奇和一群孩子之間的關(guān)系，他們不可避免地會(huì)因?yàn)橛幸粋€(gè)真正的演員和名人出現(xiàn)而感到不知所措和敬畏? And Benedict would get some good stories out of it for his own script: “Let me tell you about the time I did this favor for an old friend of mine from Harrow . . .” How would you describe the relationship between Benedict Cumberbatch and a bunch of kids inevitably overwhelmed and in awe of having a real actor and celebrity in the show?
遙遠(yuǎn)，這是簡(jiǎn)單的答案。 Distant, is the simple answer.
它們只是沒有可比性。 They’re just not comparable.
因?yàn)樗鼈儧]有可比性，所以它們不可能有真正的關(guān)系。 And because they’re not comparable, they can’t really have a relationship.
當(dāng)然，它們?cè)谀撤N程度上是相互關(guān)聯(lián)的。 They relate to one another in some dimension, of course.
畢竟，他們是在同一部劇里，一起分享場(chǎng)景。 They’re in the same show, after all, and share scenes together.
甚至在臺(tái)下也有一些對(duì)話。 And there’s even some conversation offstage.
但它們并沒有真正以一種有意義的方式相互作用。 But they don’t really interact in a meaningful way.
這位明星和其他演員之間的差距太大了。 There’s just too big a gulf between the star and the rest of the cast.
當(dāng)康伯巴奇在臺(tái)上甚至臺(tái)下的時(shí)候，他真的能展現(xiàn)出任何本質(zhì)的自己?jiǎn)? Can Cumberbatch really share anything of his essential self when he’s onstage or even offstage?
這很難想象。 That’s hard to imagine.
在一群中學(xué)生中，他能有多真實(shí)? How authentic can he really be among a bunch of middle-schoolers?
【結(jié)論】我認(rèn)為在某種程度上，當(dāng)我們把自己塑造成我們生活故事的主角時(shí)，我們所做的事情是荒謬的。 I think to some extent this is the reductio ad absurdum of what we do when we cast ourselves as the main character in the story of our lives.
我們與他人交往，但不是在完全平等的基礎(chǔ)上。 We relate to other people, but not on an exactly equal footing.
如果我不小心，我的感覺比你的感覺更重要。 If I’m not careful, it’s about how I feel more than about what you feel.
如果我不小心，這是關(guān)于你的行為如何影響我，而不是反過來。 If I’m not careful, it’s about how your actions affect me and not the other way around.
即使我的角色只是合唱中的一個(gè)人，我也不可避免地讓它看起來比實(shí)際更大。 And even when my role is just someone in the chorus, I inevitably make it seem bigger than it really is. 我不可避免地把自己看得太嚴(yán)肅了。 I inevitably take myself a little too seriously.
我不可避免地低估了你的角色，很難記住，除了我的生活，你在自己的生活中也有情感和戲劇性。 I inevitably underestimate your role and find it hard to remember that you, too, have emotions and drama in your own life apart from mine.
我很難不擺姿勢(shì)，不裝模作樣，不大聲說出我的幾句臺(tái)詞。 It’s hard not to pose and preen and say my handful of lines a little louder than I should.
把自己視為主角并不會(huì)讓你成為自戀者。 Seeing yourself as the main character doesn’t make you a narcissist.
如果你既謙遜又害羞，你通常仍然是正在展開的迷你劇的主角。 If you’re humble and shy, you’re still usually the main character in an unfolding miniseries.
這只是一部關(guān)于一個(gè)謙遜害羞的人所面臨的挑戰(zhàn)的迷你劇。 It’s just a miniseries about the challenges facing a humble, shy person.
即使是我們當(dāng)中最謙遜的人，最害羞的人，也傾向于把注意力集中在我們自身經(jīng)歷的不可避免的中心，以及我們對(duì)過去的扭曲、不完美的記憶上。 Even the most humble among us, the shyest among us, tend to focus inward on the inevitable centrality of our own experiences and our distorted, imperfect memories of our past.
這是一種不同的生活方式。 Here’s a different way to go through life.
為了得到另一種選擇，想想一個(gè)情景喜劇或連續(xù)劇的演員陣容。 To get at the alternative, think about an ensemble cast for a sitcom or a series.
在《老友記》這樣的劇里，沒有明星，沒有主角。 In a show like Friends, there’s no star, no main character.
就是一群人在彼此的生活中穿插穿插。 There’s just a bunch of people weaving in and out of one another’s lives.
這部劇可能叫《宋飛正傳》，但他不是主角。 The show may be called Seinfeld, but he’s not the main character.
有四個(gè)主要人物。 There are four main characters.
這部劇講述的是他們之間的關(guān)系，而不僅僅是杰里的生活。 The show is about their relationships, not just the narrative arc of Jerry’s life.
或者想想電影《真愛至上》。 Or think of the movie Love Actually.
眾星云集，但沒人是電影的主角。 A star-studded cast but no one’s the star of the movie.
這是一個(gè)關(guān)于愛和聯(lián)系的故事，而不是一個(gè)主角的冒險(xiǎn)故事。 It’s a story about love and connection, not the adventures of a central protagonist.
或者想象一下和你的伴侶一起去舞池。 Or imagine going out on a dance floor with your partner.
你對(duì)舞蹈的態(tài)度是什么? What is your attitude toward the dance?
也許是為了從體驗(yàn)中獲得盡可能多的滿足感。 Perhaps it’s to get as much as possible out of the experience for your own satisfaction.
你的目標(biāo)可能是吸引別人的注意，用你的技能給別人留下深刻的印象，贏得他們的掌聲和尊重。 Your goal might be to attract attention to yourself and to impress people with your skills, to earn their applause and respect.
你可能認(rèn)為舞池主要是一個(gè)競(jìng)爭(zhēng)的地方，你的目標(biāo)是超越其他舞者，提高排名。 You might think of the dance floor as primarily a place of competition where your goal is to outshine the other dancers and move up in the rankings.
很多人一生都像這樣跳舞，這并不是最糟糕的態(tài)度，只要你不試圖絆倒其他競(jìng)爭(zhēng)對(duì)手。 A lot of people dance through life like this, and it’s not the worst attitude, as long as you don’t try to trip up the other competitors.
【正確的做法】或者，你可以選擇升華自己的地位或表達(dá)自己的能力，希望讓你的伴侶發(fā)光，或者增強(qiáng)所有舞者在地板上的體驗(yàn)。 Alternatively, you might choose to sublimate your own status or the ability to express yourself in hopes of making your partner shine, or to enhance the experience of all of the dancers out on the floor.
你可能會(huì)專注于成為比你自己更大的事物的一部分，以意想不到的和令人愉快的方式在其他舞者附近和周圍編織。 You might focus on being part of something larger than yourself, weaving near and around the other dancers in unexpected and delightful ways.
當(dāng)你在舞池中機(jī)智地表演，舉止得體，把別人——你的伴侶和其他情侶——記在心里時(shí)，你就可以選擇如何思考之前、期間和之后的經(jīng)歷。 When you act tactfully on the dance floor and behave properly, keeping others—your partner and the other couples—in mind, you have a choice in how to think of the experience before, during, and after.
你可以為自己的無私行為感到自豪，也可以從更全面的角度看待自己，把自己看作比自己更大的事物的一部分，一個(gè)更充實(shí)、更緊密的體驗(yàn)。 You can pride yourself on your selfless behavior or you can see yourself in a more holistic way, as part of something larger than yourself, a fuller, more connected experience.
我們可以選擇如何感知和構(gòu)建我們的日常經(jīng)歷。 We have a choice in how we perceive and frame our daily experiences.
一種選擇是將我們自己視為原子主義的、英雄主義的、存在主義的孤獨(dú)者。 One choice is to see ourselves as fundamentally atomistic, heroic, and existentially lonely.
另一種是把我們自己看作是有聯(lián)系的，屬于某種東西的，這種歸屬感是體驗(yàn)的中心。 The other is to see ourselves as connected and belonging to something, with that belonging at the center of the experience.
我們?nèi)绾螛?gòu)建我們經(jīng)歷的前、中、后，改變了我們的日常經(jīng)歷如何成為我們的一部分。 How we frame the before, during, and after of our experiences changes how our daily experiences become part of us.
如果你把自己視為整體的一部分而不是主角，你會(huì)有什么不同的生活? How would you live differently if you saw yourself as part of an ensemble rather than the main character?
這個(gè)整體的想法在實(shí)踐中是如何工作的? How would this ensemble idea work in practice?
假設(shè)我要和某人喝咖啡，一個(gè)我很久沒見的人。 Suppose I’m meeting someone for coffee, someone I haven’t seen in a while.
展望這次談話，我列出了一些我希望分享的故事——可能是我的有趣經(jīng)歷，也可能是我最近的一次成功。 Looking ahead to the conversation, I catalog a few stories I hope to share—maybe a funny experience I had or a recent success.
在談話中，我花了很多時(shí)間思考我接下來要說什么，并確保我表達(dá)了我的觀點(diǎn)。 During the conversation, I spend a lot of time thinking about what I’m going to say next and to make sure I make my points.
如果這是一場(chǎng)專業(yè)的談話，而不是與朋友的聊天，我可能會(huì)特別關(guān)注這一點(diǎn)。 This is particularly likely to be my focus if it’s a professional conversation rather than a chat with a friend.
我怎樣才能給人留下好印象呢? How can I make a good impression?
我能讓這個(gè)人為我做什么? What can I get this person to do for me?
但即使我和朋友在一起，我也可以直接或間接地利用我的朋友來實(shí)現(xiàn)我自己的目標(biāo)。 But even when I’m with a friend, I can use my friend in direct and indirect ways for my own goals.
談話結(jié)束后，我可以盡情享受已經(jīng)講完了我想講的故事，并慶幸自己是多么有趣或多么雄辯。 After the conversation is over, I can savor having told the stories I wanted to tell and congratulate myself on how funny I was or how eloquent.
這種觀點(diǎn)是以自我為中心的，即使我足夠慷慨地把通話時(shí)間分成兩半，讓我的談話對(duì)象和我一樣多地說話。 This perspective is self-centered even if I am gracious enough to split the airtime in half and let my conversational partner talk as much as I do.
體驗(yàn)這種對(duì)話的另一種方式是，不要把它看作是交替的獨(dú)白，而是把它看作是一次真實(shí)的對(duì)話，一種朝著意想不到的、計(jì)劃外的方向發(fā)展的突發(fā)體驗(yàn)。 A different way to experience that conversation is to think of it not as alternating monologues but as an actual conversation, an emergent experience that goes in unexpected, unplanned directions.
我可以把它看作是一種即興創(chuàng)作，一種有機(jī)的藝術(shù)，而不是一場(chǎng)照本宣卡的預(yù)設(shè)對(duì)話。 I can think of it as more of an improvisation, which is an organic art, than a scripted, prefab conversation.
當(dāng)然，當(dāng)和朋友交談時(shí)，我可能有一些最近發(fā)生在我身上的重要的事情要分享。 Sure, when talking to a friend, I may have something to share that has happened to me recently and is important.
但我不想只專注于此而忽略了其他體驗(yàn)。 But I don’t want to focus on that to the exclusion of the rest of the experience.
不要帶著日程安排開始談話。 Don’t go into the conversation with an itinerary.
最好是在交談的過程中發(fā)現(xiàn)你想說什么，而不是事先計(jì)劃好的劇本。 It’s better to discover what you want to say through the process of conversation and not a preplanned script.
與其品味你的談話才華，不如品味與另一個(gè)人互動(dòng)的經(jīng)歷。 Instead of savoring your conversational brilliance, savor the experience of interacting with another human being.
看看在沒有期望的情況下，在沒有計(jì)劃的情況下，會(huì)發(fā)生什么。 See what happens without expectation during that encounter and without a plan to steer it in particular directions.
把你全部的注意力放在你的談話對(duì)象身上，不要想著你接下來要說什么。 Give your conversational partner your fullest attention without thinking of what you’re going to say next.
不要把你的朋友和家人看作是實(shí)現(xiàn)你的目標(biāo)和增加你的效用的對(duì)象，把他們看作是你承諾的合作伙伴，不考慮與他們互動(dòng)會(huì)產(chǎn)生什么結(jié)果。 Rather than see your friends and family as objects to serve your goals and increase your utility, see them as partners you commit to with no agenda as to what might emerge from interacting with them.
將與他們互動(dòng)的機(jī)會(huì)更多地視為一種探索和冒險(xiǎn)，而不是劇本劇。 View the chance to interact with them as more of an exploration and adventure than a scripted drama.
給別人敞開心扉的機(jī)會(huì)。 Allow another human being the chance to open their heart.
這比你成為主角更有意義，即使這意味著放棄對(duì)整個(gè)過程的控制。 That can turn out to be a much more meaningful drama than the one where you’re the main character, even if it means giving up control of the process.
在某種程度上，所有這一切只是一個(gè)明顯的cliché-friends和家庭使生活有意義。 In a way, all of this is just an obvious cliché—friends and family make life meaningful.
所以要善待他們。 So treat them well.
我們都知道這一點(diǎn)。 We all know that.
但如果我們知道這一點(diǎn)，為什么我們會(huì)在和孩子交談的時(shí)候低頭看手機(jī)，因?yàn)槲覀兪盏搅送ㄖ蛱嵝? But if we know that, why do we glance down at our phone in the middle of a conversation with one of our children because we’ve received a notification or an alert?
為什么我們會(huì)在聚會(huì)上越過與我們交談的人的肩膀，看看是否有更有趣的人，或者更糟糕的是，在實(shí)現(xiàn)某個(gè)目標(biāo)時(shí)對(duì)我們更有用的人? Why do we look over the shoulder of the person we’re talking to at a party to see if there is someone more interesting, or worse, someone more useful to us in achieving some goal?
為什么我們經(jīng)常不能抽出足夠的時(shí)間和朋友一起做一些對(duì)我們沒有立竿見影的好處的事情呢? Why do we often fail to make sufficient time to do things with our friends that offer no immediate benefit to us?
為什么我們會(huì)讓朋友漸行漸遠(yuǎn)，錯(cuò)過一個(gè)保持聯(lián)系的機(jī)會(huì)? Why do we let friends drift away and miss a chance to stay connected?
為什么我們要查看來電顯示，然后決定忽略來電? Why do we check the caller ID and decide to ignore the call?
我們告訴自己，他們是家人! We tell ourselves, They’re family!
他們會(huì)明白的! They’ll understand!
與他人相處融洽——成為一個(gè)好朋友、好配偶或好同事——是我們每天都要面對(duì)的一個(gè)棘手問題，我們?cè)噲D在工作或獨(dú)處的愿望與周圍人待在一起的愿望之間取得平衡。 Playing well with others—being a good friend or spouse or colleague—is a wild problem we confront every day, trying to balance our work or our desire to be by ourselves with the desires of the people around us to spend time together. 對(duì)繁榮的關(guān)注如何幫助我們應(yīng)對(duì)這種緊張? How does a focus on flourishing help us deal with this tension? 我們?cè)鯓硬拍艹蔀楦玫呐笥?，更好的配偶，更好的同?
How can we be better fri
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